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| Boozerscopes |
COLLEGE WEEKLY HOROSCOPE
By James “The Booz” Boozer, with a little help from my friends. |
Aries (March 21-April 19):Take a second look at your roommate this week. The milk might not be the only thing that is homo in your apartment. He owns Dirty Dancing on DVD for God's sake! (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Taurus (April 20-May 20): We know that being a recovering pedophile that you have to take every day one step at a time. To make it easier, we are gonna let you in on a little secret, those baby showers you've been hearing about are not what you think. It's just a bunch of housewives giving gifts to a pregnant lady. So wipe that drool off your chin and go face the day slugger! (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Congratulations on your tremendous sales of Girl Scout cookies. You are the best of your troop. Be careful when delivering cookies to Cancer's house though. He might be extra hungry for your cookies, because he's already sampled every Brownie on the block.. (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Cancer (June 22-July 22): According to school officials, you should go to three parties in a row without drinking alcohol or doing drugs. If that is the case, what in the world are you going to do then? I say stay away from the drugs, but drink until you get an ulcer.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): In the olden days, pirates had a replacement for everything. Lose an eye, they'd get a patch. Lose a leg, they'd get a peg leg. Lose a hand, no problemo, get a hook. Lose your voice, they'd just steal a parrot. Sometime this week you will lose an item from that list, but son, you are no pirate. (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your new friend, Bortron may not be the guy he's been leading you to believe. You might want to clarify with him what exactly he meant, when he said hunting was his favorite sport. After all, he does have a human foot for good luck on his key chain. (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The scales of justice won’t be in your favor when you are arrested again for making noise and acting like a fool at the movies. While it is believed that drugs was the cause of your illness, it is soon discovered that you’re just an asshole.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): This will be the last horrorscope you read, as your girlfriend is pregnant. So do what any good man would do and skip town. (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): For goodness sakes, stop what you’re doing and go out and run people over with your snow blower. Who cares if there is not enough (or no) snow on the ground. You should be at least able enough to take two or three people out by the time you reach the end of the block.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): With a sign like Capricorn, I suggest you go out and change your birth certificate. Otherwise, you will continue to be critized for having the worse sign ever (second only to Pisces):
Bortron (Dec 32-Jan X): Your deep-seated aggression towards humans is uncalled for this week. There are many ways of venting your anger without destroying continent after continent. We suggest Tai Chi, Tai-Bo, Tai food, or finger paints as an alternative to human genocide. (courtesy of Roach and Hart)
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18): This week is going to be one to remember when you realize that all the time you spent sleeping in Covering the Courts paid off when you pass the final. Oops.....I mean when you fail the class leaving you with the only option of getting a job at Wendys as French Fry King.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): I and the rest of the world feel sorry for you because your sign is of two drunken fish. Too bad you don’t have a cool sign like Borton.
If You’re Having a Birthday This Week…
Jan. 17: Take time to reflect on what this day really means to you. It’s more than just another day off from school.
Jan. 18: Instead of taking finals, go around to each room and laugh at those who are.
Jan. 19: If you really want to make a good impression, take a bath because you smell.
Jan. 20: You may think Y2K is over, but you will be surprised to see that it’s not when you step out your front door and fall straight into HELL!
Jan. 21: Do what you want because it’s Friday and no one is around to see you toss your computer monitor off the fire escape onto the car below.
Jan. 22: Don’t let the day end without kicking someone’s ass. I don’t care who it is.
Jan. 23: Take into consideration that everyone is on break and no one wants to talk about the Chronicle next semester or anything else.
If You’re Not Having a Birthday This Week …
Good because this week really sucks and next week is even worse! Trust me, you don’t want to know.
James can’t explain any of the crap you have just read. And as far as getting more advice from him, you can call 312-344-7343 anytime after 9:00 a.m., but before 9:02 a.m.. In case you don’t get an answer, too bad because you should have called 10 seconds earlier.
© 2000 CHRONICLE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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